An ex-girlfriend sent this to me a few years ago. As we’re approaching Valentine’s Day 2009 and people in relationships are going to be under pressure to perform acts of romance (read mostly the men) this may help a few people so I’m sharing it with a wider audience.

If you’re not married yet, share this with a friend. If you are married, share it with your spouse or other married couples… and reflect on it. An African proverb states, “Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye.”

Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don’t let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low-self esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open and don’t fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren’t really important. Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious.

If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you’ve got to learn how to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, value, dreams, weaknesses and strengths. You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life together.

Neither one of you is perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship?

Do you bring your past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain. You can’t take someone to the alter to alter them. Do not judge this person by the mistakes of all you ex-lovers, ex-wife, ex-husband, ex-whatever. Do not live in the past you might miss the present and throw a good love away because of your own insecurities brought upon you by yourself. Do not play private investigator and prosecutor, always digging for dirt when a person has not given you any reason to doubt their commitment to you. Stop being a prosecutor, always confronting your mate with stories you have heard from nameless individuals who may be jealous of your affair.

Nobody appreciates being told directly or indirectly by your questioning that they are not trusted. Trust this person until he/she gives a strong reason not to trust him/her. Respect his/her privacy. If you do not trust a person for whatever reason…you better just end it because without trust there is no hope in any relationship.

You can’t make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and life,” you won’t find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship.

Wrong reasons for being in a relationship?

• Seeking status, sex, wealth and security.
• Not getting out of the relationship because you pity the other person.
• For the sake of the kids and yet you are absolutely unhappy. This could be even more psychologically destructive for the kids than you think.
• Staying in it because you feel (psychologically) obligated to eg. what will her/his folks and friends say if I leave him/her
• He/she might commit suicide – emotional blackmail.
• Threat and/or fear of physical violence from the person or sanctioned by the person.
• “I am so used to him/her, how can I leave him/her after so much we have been through together” and yet you are so miserable and unhappy and emotionally abused and sexually starved. You keep on having little affairs and sexual relationships with other people…this is a sign that you do not really love the person you are with. Get out of it. Life is too short.

What keeps a relationship strong?

• LOVE, Communication, Intimacy, Trust, A sense of humor, healthy sexual appetite, open mindedness, companionship, friendship. Sharing household tasks.
• Avoiding secrets as much as possible
• Know each other’s whereabouts to build trust and accountability.
• Some getaway time without business and children.
• Daily exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note, sit together on the sofa watching TV, touch each other like you used to while dating and first met…remember that naughty touch there).
• Leave a nice message on their voicemail or send a nice email. Sharing common goals and interests. Support each others business/ work
• Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure.
• Allow your mate to have outside interests, eg. belonging to a social club. You can’t always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment. * Don’t try to control or change one another
• Learn each other’s family situation.
• Respect his or her parents regardless.
• Don’t compare your relationship with so and so’s relationship. You are a unique couple in own right.
• Don’t put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember, for Richer or for Poorer.
• Do not pretend but be considerate, diplomatic and cautious when you criticize or don’t like something, your mate has feelings too.

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